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You are approaching her almost as though you are auditioning her; approaching her as though you are begging for her attention is just going to make you look like a loser. Now, as for the structure: The Subject Line: The subject line is the first line of defense you have to get past.Women are usually outnumbered by a factor of 10 at least and are being messaged all the time.

Much like dating in the real world, online dating presents an almost infinite number of ways to shoot yourself in the foot and kill your chances before you even get started.

Much like in the real world, first impressions count for everything; in online dating, women have even way of contacting someone: the wink, poke, nudge, smile, flirt function.

Just about every online dating site out there has some variation on this. Too many people spend too much time focusing on one particular girl at a time, developing an online version of one-itis.

Now that you’ve had a week or two to write up your profile and dip your toe into the world of online dating, it’s time to take a step back and take stock. Even a terse “Fuck off, cave troll” means that at least you’re being heard. It’s one of those times that makes you feel like you’re ready to scrap the whole idea and try your hand in places where you might have more success…

Or are you sending a lot of messages out into the void, never to be heard from again? Much like in real life, the only reaction that really infuriates is reaction.

like randomly approaching strangers and demanding that they get coffee with you.

But now that you’ve had some time to try things out…

In theory, it is supposed to be a cute and flirty way to tell someone that you’re interested in them, get them to check out your profile and maybe send you a message. They expend time and energy waiting checking her activity dates, wondering if she got that message, if he should send a second one… Approaching women out in the world is like spear-fishing – one at a time.

In reality, it’s seen as a passive-aggressive way of trying to bait someone else into making the first move. At worst, you’ve just sent the wrong message A proper first contact message is convoluted; you want to set certain expectations and convey an attractive image of yourself. It sounds a little cold-blooded and impersonal, but you’re going to want to have a stock first message. Treat approaching women on online dating sites should be like dynamite fishing; you want to toss your messages out there and see what floats to the surface.

It’s a message that says “I’m too chicken-shit to/couldn’t be bothered to take the effort to write you first and so I’m hoping you’ll do the hard part for me.” It’s the Platonic Friend Gambit of online dating. You want to stand out from the crowd of men who are messaging her already. You need to keep certain guidelines in mind and build yourself a first contact template. One that doesn’t like a cut-and-paste job, but one that you can modify on the fly for any girl you might want to get in touch with. Shouldn’t you be carefully reading each girl’s profile and crafting each message to the girl like a special poem indicating just how special she is? And so,with an eye towards efficiency, you want to use your template to streamline the process while still maintaining that personal touch. Anything else a) makes you look like an illiterate and b) is going to turn her off about as fast as telling her you like to roll naked in week-old fish guts.

You want to her expectations and tempt her into replying to you. Now keep in mind: you’re not doing a complete copy and paste here (er… Second: You are conveying a specific attitude of confidence and curiosity.

455 Comments

  1. You are approaching her almost as though you are auditioning her; approaching her as though you are begging for her attention is just going to make you look like a loser. Now, as for the structure: The Subject Line: The subject line is the first line of defense you have to get past.

  2. Women are usually outnumbered by a factor of 10 at least and are being messaged all the time.

  3. The subject line of the emails then proves to be an initial filter.

  4. have you considered that maybe, just maybe, you’re going about it all wrong?

  5. Much like dating in the real world, online dating presents an almost infinite number of ways to shoot yourself in the foot and kill your chances before you even get started.

  6. Much like in the real world, first impressions count for everything; in online dating, women have even way of contacting someone: the wink, poke, nudge, smile, flirt function.

  7. Just about every online dating site out there has some variation on this. Too many people spend too much time focusing on one particular girl at a time, developing an online version of one-itis.

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