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This blog curates the voices of the Division of Psychoanalysis (39) of the American Psychological Association.

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They either convince themselves they are better off not going beyond getting their feet wet (at best) or they deny and minimize their fears, which can lead to making reckless plunges. Well, the chronically painful realities of divorce that involve children may be likened to having a chronic and debilitating illness like arthritis.

Instead of periodic flare ups of painful inflammation of muscles and joints we are left dealing with periodic flare ups of our children’s painful struggles to come to terms with our divorces, flare ups of our own painful struggles to come to terms with divorce and episodic painful dealings with our divorced spouses.

The evolution and stabilization of split off family units do not come about without mourning obsolete family units and coping with individual and systemic growing pains.

Furthermore, many of us after unsuccessful marriages have our self esteem wounded, experience guilt over making our kids victims of decisions that didn’t work out, may begin to doubt our abilities to choose appropriate partners and even delude ourselves into believing we are entitled to and can realistically expect to forge intimate and satisfying relationships without risking disappointments and rejections.

Have you endured all the discouragement you can take in one paragraph?

Good, now I can resurrect your hopes for a happier outcome the second time around with my dating tips for single parents.

The thematic threat that holds my recommendations together is the adage: “finding a suitable partner is about racing in slow motion.” Like a well schooled marathoner runner, we are less likely to drop out of the race by virtue of hitting an impenetrable wall of disappointment, frustration and discouragement if we hold back, hold back, and hold back some more despite impulses to fall in infatuation in the early stages of a relationship.

Most relationships destined to end when the blooms of infatuation fades are likely to end in the first six months.

The faster we move the shorter they tend to be as human beings never measure up to our fantasies of them. The marathon doesn’t really begin until after the first half of the race is over and I contend that most relating doesn’t begin until the flames of infatuation cease to burn in an out of control fashion.

It takes a history of consistent contacts, continuity of conversations and emotional connecting to build authentic, reliable and sustainable relationships. It’s at this time the edge is taken off the urgency to be magnets for each other.

We begin to put into focus the outlines of the people we have been pursuing as three dimensional people as distinct and separate from needs gratifying objects.

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